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Crypto Bro · Heavyweight Hoodie
TO THE MOON
Hedge against everything, including taste.
★★★★★4.7 · 512 verified reviews
$79.99$159.99You save $80.00 (math by Dwayne)
The official hoodie of checking your portfolio 400 times a day. Moon not guaranteed. Lambo definitely not guaranteed.
Only 1 left in stock — 11 people are staring at this right now. One of them is your nemesis.
Free shipping over $75. Layaway available at checkout. Dwayne personally supervises.
The Fabric+
A cotton-poly blend so premium it has a credit score. Pre-shrunk against moisture and doubt. The ink is set with heat, pressure, and eye contact. Wash cold. Hang dry. Never fold your dreams.
Shipping & Handling+
Ships in 3–5 business days, or whenever Linda (the compressor) is emotionally available. Every order is hand-folded by Dwayne and nodded at once. Tracking provided; the nod is not trackable.
Returns & Exchanges+
This is art. You don't return art. You may exchange for store credit if the garment arrives with a manufacturing defect, which has never happened, because Dwayne does not make mistakes — he makes variations.
512 Reviews, Zero Regrets
What The People Say
HodlHubert✓ Verified Kiosk 4 Buyer
★★★★★
Diamond hands approved
Portfolio down 94%. Shirt up 100%. This is what diversification looks like, sweaty.
MoonBoy_Marcus✓ Verified Kiosk 4 Buyer
★★★★★
Wearing it to court
My lawyer said a suit would 'play better with the jury.' I said the shirt IS the defense. To the moon, your honor.
SatoshisCousin✓ Verified Kiosk 4 Buyer
★★★★☆
Gas fees were high
Paid for expedited shipping in a coin I invented. Dwayne accepted it. Five stars for vision, minus one because the coin is now worth negative somehow.
The Algorithm (Dwayne) Suggests